All 75 Songs About Dicks, Ranked
This is the list for the question people type into search engines late at night: which songs are really about a dick? Not the ones that mention one, and not the ones played most, or Anaconda would win, and Anaconda is mostly about something else. All 75 are scored on how completely they commit to the subject, how far they reached and whether an ordinary person would recognise them at a wedding, so a Neapolitan tarantella about a "rooster" competes with American number ones on equal terms.
- 1
Dick in a Box
The Lonely Island feat. Justin Timberlake · 2006 · 2:38YouTubeAn Emmy-winning three-step gift-wrapping tutorial, and the only song on this list with a craft component.
- 2
Whistle
Flo Rida · 2012 · 3:45YouTubeA number one in five countries asking her to blow his "whistle", kept radio-clean by never once saying what the whistle is.
- 3
Short Dick Man
20 Fingers feat. Gillette · 1994 · 3:21YouTubeA 1994 dance hit that spends three minutes reviewing one man's dimensions, and the review is not good.
- 4
Candy Shop
50 Cent feat. Olivia · 2005 · 3:29YouTubeNine weeks at number one for a trip to the "candy shop", where the only sweet on offer is 50 Cent.
- 5
Rude Boy
Rihanna · 2010 · 3:43YouTubeFive weeks at number one for a chorus in which Rihanna conducts a job interview with the rude boy's dick, and expects answers.
- 6
Le Zizi
Pierre Perret · 1974 · 3:57YouTubeEvery French radio station refused it until one didn't, and half a million people bought a sex-ed lesson on the penis with no crude word.
- 7
The Penis Song (Not the Noël Coward Song)
Monty Python · 1983 · 0:57YouTubeSixty seconds, eight different words for it, and a dinner jacket. The densest track on the list by a mile.
- 8
Dick
StarBoi3 feat. Doja Cat · 2021 · 2:54YouTubeA SoundCloud leftover that TikTok promoted to a major-label single, titled with the one word no radio host could say out loud.
- 9
Detachable Penis
King Missile · 1992 · 3:23YouTubeThe definitional entry: a man loses his detachable penis at a party, retraces his steps, and buys it back for seventeen dollars.
- 10
My Dick
Mickey Avalon feat. Dirt Nasty & Andre Legacy · 2006 · 3:00YouTubeThree minutes of comparative anatomy, delivered as a series of brand endorsements for one product.
- 11
Ex-Boyfriend
Lil Dicky · 2013 · 4:27YouTubeA million views in a day for a man who cannot stop thinking about his girlfriend's ex, specifically one part of him.
- 12
LoveGame
Lady Gaga · 2009 · 3:36YouTubeThe rare top-five hit whose writer explained the euphemism herself: the "disco stick" is a penis, and Lady Gaga said so on the record.
- 13
Too Close
Next · 1998 · 4:18YouTubeAmerica's biggest single of 1998 is about an erection on a dancefloor, and radio played it for months before anyone checked.
- 14
Captain Hook
Megan Thee Stallion · 2020 · 2:57YouTubeTwo Platinum certifications for a nickname. Megan Thee Stallion likes a "curve", and the pirate with the "hook" got the job.
- 15
Lollipop
Lil Wayne feat. Static Major · 2008 · 4:59YouTubeA Grammy-winning number one whose central image is a "lollipop", for reasons that have nothing to do with confectionery.
- 16
Dick Almighty
2 Live Crew · 1989 · 4:53YouTubeOn the first album a US federal court ruled obscene, this is the chorus. The court lost on appeal; the dick did not.
- 17
My Ding-a-Ling
Chuck Berry · 1972 · 4:17YouTubeThe only US number one of Chuck Berry's career, and it is a sing-along about his "ding-a-ling".
- 18
Magic Stick
Lil' Kim feat. 50 Cent · 2003 · 6:00YouTubeA number-two hit built on one metaphor, a "magic stick", sustained for six minutes without a single coffee break.
- 19
J'ai la quéquette qui colle
Les Mules · 1999 · 2:40YouTubeTwo friends improvised it in a car on the way to a party; it became France's first viral song, then a ringtone, then a CD.
- 20
Mein Teil
Rammstein · 2004 · 4:36YouTubeA Grammy-nominated single about the Rotenburg cannibal, whose title means "my part" and, in German slang, the part he ate.
- 21
Kobra
Donatella Rettore · 1980 · 3:27YouTubeRettore wrote it after a man said women can't compete because men have the "cobra", which she says is always current, provided it rises.
- 22
Tu veux mon zizi
Francky Vincent · 2009 · 3:18YouTubeA 2004 album track nobody noticed became a number-six hit in 2009 once it was renamed after its chorus, which is an offer.
- 23
Community Property
Steel Panther · 2009 · 3:37YouTubeA power ballad in which his heart belongs to her and his "cock" is declared "community property", in the chorus, in those words.
- 24
Big Ten Inch Record
Bull Moose Jackson · 1952 · 2:15YouTubeA man boasts about his "big ten inch" for two minutes, adding "record" at the last possible second. Aerosmith repeated the trick in 1975.
- 25
Love Gun
KISS · 1977 · 3:17YouTubePaul Stanley wrote a song about his "love gun" and sang it with the straight face of a man reading out a weather report.
- 26
Wait (The Whisper Song)
Ying Yang Twins · 2005 · 3:00YouTubeA top-twenty hit whispered throughout, in which the thing she is told to wait for is his dick, named in a library voice.
- 27
Pony
Ginuwine · 1996 · 5:25YouTubeTimbaland's first great beat is a croaking bass noise under a man offering himself as a "pony", saddle included and ride available.
- 28
Please Warm My Weiner
Bo Carter · 1935 · 3:00YouTubeRecorded in 1935. The blues did not wait for anyone's permission, and neither did the "wiener".
- 29
Anaconda
Nicki Minaj · 2014 · 4:20YouTubeThe biggest song on the list, and it is mostly about something else. The "anaconda" gets one line, and makes the most of it.
- 30
Mayores
Becky G feat. Bad Bunny · 2017 · 3:23YouTubeTwo and a half billion views for a song about older men and a size line that, Becky G insists, concerns kissing.
- 31
Cock Pushups
Tenacious D · 1999 · 0:48A fitness routine you can only do once, explained by Jack Black with the total conviction of a personal trainer on commission.
- 32
Peacock
Katy Perry · 2010 · 3:52YouTubeThe pun is the whole song, and the chorus makes very sure you know which half of "peacock" she means.
- 33
Big Energy
Latto · 2021 · 2:53YouTubeLatto took the internet's favourite three-word compliment, put the two printable words in the title, and rode them to number three.
- 34
Letter to My Penis
Rodney Carrington · 1998 · 2:02YouTubeA country comedian writes a letter of complaint to his penis. The penis writes back, and it has notes.
- 35
Big Long Slidin' Thing
Dinah Washington · 1954 · 2:59YouTubeOstensibly about a trombone. The Queen of the Blues knew precisely which "big long slidin' thing" she was singing about.
- 36
Fernande
Georges Brassens · 1972 · 3:41YouTubeOne of France's great songwriters wrote a refrain about which women give him an erection, and the nation filed it under poetry.
- 37
Kielbasa
Tenacious D · 2001 · 3:00YouTubeA Platinum album opens with a love song to a Polish sausage, sung with power-ballad gravity. The sausage is Jack Black's.
- 38
Tube Snake Boogie
ZZ Top · 1981 · 3:04YouTubeBilly Gibbons says a "tube snake" is a surfboard, then adds that it is first cousin to a "tube steak", which is not a surfboard.
- 39
Sucer la bite
Lorenzo · 2018 · 3:15Track eleven of a number-one album is a chorus with one idea, and the idea is in the title, in full.
- 40
She Loves My Cock
Jackyl · 1992 · 3:52YouTubeA Georgia Kmart refused a Platinum album over this song, so the band played the car park. The "cock", they insist, is a rooster.
- 41
Una luna de miel en la mano
Virus · 1985 · 5:21YouTubeArgentina's most elegant new-wave band asked their lyricist for words, and he said they would be about masturbation. They are.
- 42
Les Sucettes
France Gall · 1966 · 2:34YouTubeSerge Gainsbourg wrote a song about aniseed "lollipops" for an eighteen-year-old, who found out what it meant from everyone but him.
- 43
Sledgehammer
Peter Gabriel · 1986 · 5:12YouTubeThe most-awarded music video ever made is five minutes of innuendo that you sang along to, loudly, as a child.
- 44
Put It in Your Mouth
Akinyele feat. Kia Jeffries · 1996 · 3:21YouTubeNever a hit, never on pop radio, and still going thirty years later on the strength of one instruction, issued politely.
- 45
Lick My Love Pump
Spinal Tap · 1984 · 1:06YouTubeA delicate piano piece in D minor, the saddest of all keys, ruined beyond repair by its title.
- 46
Pussy
Rammstein · 2009 · 3:59YouTubeRammstein's first German number one has an English chorus, so the whole world could understand exactly one line of it.
- 47
Blah Blah Blah
Kesha feat. 3OH!3 · 2010 · 2:52YouTubeA top-ten hit in which Kesha tells a man to stop talking and show her where his dick is, which is not a metaphor.
- 48
Long John Blues
Dinah Washington · 1949 · 3:12YouTubeA top-three R&B hit about a dentist named "Long John" and his "drill", reviewed by a deeply satisfied patient.
- 49
Lepo Lepo
Psirico · 2013 · 3:22YouTubeThe song of Carnival 2014: a broke man whose only asset is his "lepo lepo", a word Brazil defined within a week.
- 50
King Size Papa
Julia Lee and Her Boy Friends · 1948 · 2:40YouTubeNine weeks at number one on the 1948 R&B chart for a size boast whose jazz-giant writer would not put his name on it.
- 51
Deepthroat
CupcakKe · 2015 · 3:19Twenty-three million views for a fellatio tutorial delivered with the authority of an airline safety briefing, which is how a Chicago teenager became CupcakKe.
- 52
Plaster Caster
KISS · 1977 · 3:27YouTubeGene Simmons wrote a song volunteering for the woman who made plaster casts of rock stars' penises. She never cast his.
- 53
With My Little Stick of Blackpool Rock
George Formby · 1937 · 3:07YouTubeThe BBC banned it in 1937, which did not stop one of Britain's best-paid entertainers waving his "stick of rock" at the nation for years.
- 54
Sugalumps
Flight of the Conchords · 2009 · 2:12YouTubeTwo New Zealanders advertise their "sugalumps" in the style of the Black Eyed Peas, with the confidence of men selling a timeshare.
- 55
Gelato al cioccolato
Pupo · 1979 · 3:18YouTubeThe singer says it is about oral sex with a man the lyricist met in Tunisia; the lyricist says it is about a pudding.
- 56
Pau que Nasce Torto / Melô do Tchan
É o Tchan · 1995 · 3:55YouTubeThe medley that launched the biggest axé act of the 1990's rests on a crooked-stick proverb. In Brazil, "pau" is never just a stick.
- 57
John Holmes (una vita per il cinema)
Elio e le Storie Tese · 1989 · 4:09YouTubeItaly's defining comedy band wrote a biography of the most famous penis in film history and made it all up, except the measurements.
- 58
Le Plastique c'est fantastique
Elmer Food Beat · 1990 · 3:22YouTubeFrance's unofficial condom anthem, from a band whose debut album was called 30 cm, which was also a joke, and also a boast.
- 59
Big Balls
AC/DC · 1976 · 2:38YouTubeBon Scott, in an aristocrat's voice, hosts the most sustained double meaning in hard rock: the finest "balls" in high society.
- 60
Kissing Willie
Jethro Tull · 1989 · 3:33YouTubeIan Anderson wrote a Benny Hill spoof for his prog band, took it to number six on US rock radio and waved carrots, for clarity.
- 61
Wet Dream
Max Romeo · 1968 · 2:47YouTubeThe BBC played it twice, banned it, and watched it reach the top ten anyway. Max Romeo said it was about a leaky roof.
- 62
Esporrei na Manivela
Raimundos · 1995 · 4:08YouTubeOn a Platinum album, Brazil's biggest hardcore band reports an accident with a crank handle, using the crudest verb Portuguese has.
- 63
Me pica un huevo
Siniestro Total · 1983 · 1:45YouTubeA minute and forty-five seconds about an itchy testicle, from the band that taught Spanish rock to be funny.
- 64
The Lemon Song
Led Zeppelin · 1969 · 6:19YouTubeA "lemon" that ran from Robert Johnson in 1937 to Led Zeppelin II in 1969, and the juice is still running.
- 65
Chupa que é de uva
Aviões do Forró · 2011 · 3:05YouTubeA forró chorus that says "suck it, it's grape", from the genre that turned the double entendre into a dance step.
- 66
Ti si mangiate la banana
Leone Di Lernia · 1994 · 4:27YouTubeA Barese dialect parody of a Eurodance hit in which somebody has eaten the "banana", and every Italian over thirty can tell you who.
- 67
LMS
Kool Savas · 1999 · 3:21YouTubeThree letters, one instruction, two bans: Germany's youth-protection board indexed it in 1999 and, twenty-five years later, renewed the paperwork.
- 68
The Stroke
Billy Squier · 1981 · 3:38YouTubeBilly Squier says it is about the record business. He has said so for forty years. Nobody in the arena has believed him once.
- 69
Slide It In
Whitesnake · 1984 · 3:21YouTubeDavid Coverdale has called the title anatomically conversant and clarified, when pressed, that it is not about bananas. The chorus is one instruction.
- 70
Mein schöner Hodensack
Die Kassierer · 2003 · 1:38YouTubeNinety-eight seconds of Bochum punks serenading a scrotum, from a band that has been doing this sort of thing since 1985.
- 71
Le Banana Split
Lio · 1979 · 2:34YouTubeA French number one about a dessert served by the Abominable Snowman to a sixteen-year-old, who has since said what she thinks of it.
- 72
Veronika, der Lenz ist da
Comedian Harmonists · 1930 · 2:40YouTubeGermany's most beloved vocal group sang that spring had come and the "asparagus" was growing, and every German since has known which asparagus.
- 73
Saint-Valentin
Orelsan · 2007 · 4:02YouTubeA MySpace-era track whose chorus turns Valentine's Day into a demand for oral sex, and which its author now refuses to perform.
- 74
La argentinidad al palo
Bersuit Vergarabat · 2004 · 5:29YouTubeA number-one album whose title says Argentina is at full erection, in an idiom the dictionary traces to exactly that.
- 75
Cicerenella
Traditional (Naples) · 18th century · 3:30YouTubeAn eighteenth-century tarantella about a girl and the "rooster" she rides all night, sung across southern Italy by people who know what a rooster is.
Thumbnails: cover art © the labels and artists, or a credited artist photo where a song has no cover; full credits are on each song page. Playlist tiles are our own artwork. Rights holders: email support@ratewithai.co and we will remove an image promptly.
Asked
- What is the song most about a dick?
- On this ranking, Dick in a Box by The Lonely Island feat. Justin Timberlake. The composite puts it first because the song is about nothing else and enough people know and play it.
- Why is Anaconda not number one?
- Because the hook is the reference and most of the song is about something else. Anaconda scores 6 for topicality against 10 for songs that are entirely about the subject, and topicality carries 60 percent of the score.
- How are the songs scored?
- Topicality (0.60), reach (0.25, log-scaled YouTube views) and recognition (0.15), each out of ten. The methodology page shows every weight and every song page shows its own numbers.