Short Dick Man by 20 Fingers feat. Gillette (1994)

In 1994 a Chicago production duo called 20 Fingers put a rapper named Gillette over a bouncy house beat and had her deliver, for over three minutes, a merciless review of a man she has just seen naked. The chorus is a short, repeated verdict. The verses are the supporting evidence, presented like a prosecutor with a laser pointer. There is no romance, no redemption and no second character; it is a takedown set to a tempo you can dance to.

Radio could not play the title, so a cleaned-up edit called Short Short Man was pressed for broadcast, which fooled nobody and shortened nothing. The song reached number 14 in the United States, number one in France and Italy, number three in Germany and number 11 in Britain on a 1995 re-release. The uncensored version is the one people remember, which tells you which of the two was actually the song.

Its afterlife is the needle drop. Thirty years on it is still the cue whenever a film or a sitcom needs to humiliate a male character in under five seconds, which is a kind of immortality, though not the kind he would have chosen. It is also the one song on this list that does what this website does, a size review delivered to the subject's face, and it did it first.